Is the Evangelical Church a S*x Addict?

What if the real issue isn’t that the evangelical church avoids talking about sex, but that it’s actually obsessed with it? And not in a healthy way. In this week’s Hey Tabi podcast and in this post, we’re going to explore the deeply complicated relationship between the church, purity culture, pornography, abuse, and intimacy. Buckle up - this is one of those “talk about the hard things out loud” kind of conversations, but healing comes through bringing things into the light.

The Church’s Complicated Relationship With Sex

Let’s just say it: the modern evangelical church has a sex problem. From constant scandals to purity pledges, from crude pulpit comments to deeply harmful teachings about modesty and virginity, sex is everywhere in church culture, but it’s rarely handled with wisdom or care. The irony? The louder we proclaim “purity,” the more we seem to hide what’s really going on. Somehow, we also put the majority of responsibility on women.

How Purity Culture Missed the Mark

Purity culture began with good intentions - helping Christians stay sexually pure in a hypersexualized world. But somewhere along the way, it became a machine that distorted sexuality, damaged intimacy, and buried abuse under layers of shame and silence. Young couples - especially men - were promised fireworks on their wedding night if they just waited. They were promised that their spouses would fulfill every sexual fantasy ever, but they weren’t taught how to communicate, how to navigate past or present trauma, or how to build real connection and intimacy. When things didn’t go as promised, many were left feeling broken, ashamed, or betrayed. Adding to that, when people sought help from the Church they often were told “have more sex” as the cure. As therapists, we have yet to find that actually solve anything and more often than not, it makes things way worse.

“Modest is hottest” and “true love waits” may have sounded catchy, but they also reinforced the idea that a woman’s worth lies in her virginity, men are nothing but their lust, and that sex is a prize earned through “being good” rather than a mutual, holy connection.

Porn in the Pulpit: The Hidden Crisis

Let’s talk stats. A 2024 study by Pure Desire and the Barna Group revealed shockingly high levels of pornography use among practicing Christians, including many pastors. And while some leaders claimed they’d "overcome" their struggles, the reality in the therapy room often says otherwise.

Pornography doesn’t just affect the individual, it shapes how they see and value others. When porn becomes the lens through which men (or women) view sex, intimacy gets replaced with consumption (and Jesus is not a fan of seeing fellow image bearers that way). Over time, viewing habits often escalate into darker, more violent content. That shift isn’t staying outside the church walls.

The church can’t pretend this isn’t happening - we’re seeing the absolutely terrible fruit of that in all the recent scandals. If we don’t make space for honesty, we keep people trapped in secrecy and we increase the risk of harm. Hiddenness is always the breeding ground for abuse and exploitation. By bringing information into the light and being real we can take away the power of shame better protect people and helped people who are harmed heal.

The Impact of Harmful Sexual Messaging

It’s not just porn - sexually compulsive behavior extends well beyond just “watching a video.” The language we use from the pulpit matters. When pastors joke about their “smoking hot wives,” or when entire sermons fixate on what women wear or how to please your husband through intercourse, it sends a clear message: female sexuality is a threat, and male desire is inevitable.

That’s not biblical. That’s not holy. And it’s definitely not helpful.

Reducing sexuality to intercourse and defining intimacy through performance puts pressure on couples, fuels shame, and creates unrealistic expectations, especially for trauma survivors. We must move beyond a one-dimensional view of sex and rediscover what intimacy truly means. It would be so much more helpful if we heard more about healthy friendships between the sexes and then what true intimacy is between both men and women. Changing the narrative altogether is vitally needed!

Coercive Control, Abuse, and High-Control Churches

Sexual addiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum. As a trauma therapist and domestic abuse expert, I see how compulsive sexual behavior often overlaps with coercive control and spiritual abuse. High-control church environments frequently misuse Scripture to shame, silence, and subjugate. “Submit at all costs” becomes a weapon. “Don’t deprive your husband” becomes a license for entitlement (and is quite literally a misstatement of 1 Corinthians 7). And suddenly, victims are trapped by both their abuser and their theology.

Let’s be clear: using God’s name to justify control or exploitation is spiritual abuse. This is what “taking God’s name in vain” means! And when sexual addiction and spiritual abuse collide, it’s a recipe for deeply embedded harm. It’s tragic for both men and women.

Redefining Intimacy: More Than Intercourse

Here’s a truth the church needs to hear. Though I said it already, I’ll say it again!

Sexual intercourse is not the pinnacle of intimacy.

Real intimacy includes emotional connection, spiritual closeness, vulnerability, and mutual care. And while sex can be a beautiful part of that, it’s not the whole picture. In fact, when we treat it like it is, we turn something sacred into something performative. Relationships are not transactional, either. Transactional intimacy has another name - prostitution.

Orgasm doesn’t equal connection. Physical release or pleasure isn’t the same as relational presence. And if we teach people otherwise, we set them up for disappointment, dysfunction, or worse, objectification. Your brother or sister in Christ are not an object. They are not a living blow up doll to be used for your pleasure. Poor teaching and languaging sets up everyone for failure and disappointment.

So What Can the Church Do Better?

Glad you asked.

• Talk about sex honestly and holistically. From the pulpit, in premarital counseling, in youth group (ESPECIALLY youth group!) - literally, talk about it in age-appropriate ways everywhere.

• Bring in trained sex addiction therapists or pastoral sex addiction professionals. Don’t go it alone. Professionals can help churches understand compulsive sexual behavior and offer real support. Ministries like Pure Desire have programs churches can implement. It is well worth having options for betrayers and betrayed partners.

• Rethink premarital counseling. Go beyond chore charts. Talk about trauma, preferences, emotional safety, communication, and conflict repair. Talk about real issues that people will face and teach skills to help them grow together intimacy.

• Educate from early ages. Kids are accessing porn as early as six. If the church isn’t shaping their sexual ethics, someone else will. There are age-appropriate ways to have these conversations starting young. Teaching how to treat others and be good friends is the best entry point for the elementary age if you need a place to dive in!

• Create space for leadership to struggle. If pastors can’t say, “I need help,” then secrecy will keep festering until it becomes public crisis. Sin doesn’t stay stagnant. Give space for healing and getting real help.

Final Thoughts: Does the Church Look Like a Sex Addict?

At times… it really does.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way. There is hope, and there is a better way forward. A way that centers healing, truth, and connection over shame, secrecy, and control. A way that reflects the heart of Jesus, not the weight of man-made expectations.

Let’s stop pretending we’ve got it all figured out and start talking about the hard things, out loud, with our actual lips. There are people who desperately need real. We can be real.

Want more resources?
Check out tabithawestbrook.com/heytabi for show notes, books, tools, and next steps. And if this stirred something in you, I’d love to hear from you.

Until next time, stay honest, stay curious, and stay rooted in hope. Jesus brings goodness. We will see that in the land of the living when we follow Him.

Watch this episode of Hey Tabi on YouTube!