Holy Shift: When Faith, Trauma, and Control Collide
What if what you were taught about God... isn’t actually what God wanted you to believe? What if sometimes it doesn’t even look like God?
If your faith story has become tangled with fear, shame, and silence, you’re not alone. Many trauma survivors, especially those who experienced spiritual abuse, find themselves wrestling with a painful truth: what you thought was “faith” might have actually been control or really poorly taught doctrine.
Welcome to the messy, liberating work of disentangling from toxic theology. Let’s talk about what happens when faith gets twisted and how to begin reorienting to a God who is tender, trustworthy, and understands trauma.
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse is when your good and right devotion to God gets weaponized against you. It distorts submission into silence, obedience into oppression, and faith into fear. Survivors of spiritual abuse often describe being told:
“You can’t question the Lord’s anointed.”
“Suffering like Jesus means staying silent.”
“Forgiveness means forgetting and reconciling—no matter what.”
These teachings aren’t just wrong. They’re damaging. And they create a picture of God that looks nothing like Jesus.
When Forgiveness Is Used to Silence
In high-control environments, forgiveness is often weaponized. Survivors are told to forgive their abuser and reconcile—even if there’s been no repentance, safety, or change. But biblical forgiveness is never about tolerating harm. Jesus doesn’t ask you to stay in relationship with someone who’s hurting you and is not repentant. He calls us to be wise, not unsafe. And behavioral modification is not repentance. Anyone can do anything for a period of time. Heart change, which is only evident over time, must be the standard. Sometimes too much damage has been done and even if the abuser repents the relationship cannot be saved.
Why “Suffering Like Jesus” Isn’t What You Think
There’s a dangerous theology that glorifies suffering—especially for women in abusive relationships. But suffering in Scripture is never a license for others to sin against you. Abuse is not a cross you are called to carry. God calls us to oppose oppression, not endure it indefinitely in His name. We are going to suffer in this life, but God also calls us to help the poor and downtrodden. Suffering that can ended should be!
What If God Isn’t Who They Told You He Was?
If you’ve ever asked, “Is God just another narcissist like the ones who abused me?”—take heart. That’s not blasphemy. That’s an honest question if God has been portrayed that way to you! And God understands. He’s not afraid of your questions.
From Eden to the Cross, God shows up with tenderness. He walks with the broken. Jesus never sides with abusers. In fact, His harshest words were for religious leaders who used Scripture to control and harm others. Even when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, God gently clothed them. He did not leave them naked and ashamed. And He told them His rescue plan.
Is It Deconstruction… or Disentangling?
The word deconstruction can feel loaded, even frightening—especially in Christian spaces. And there are some who use a harmed person’s honest faith wrestle for wickedness. But deconstructing isn’t wicked. In fact, it’s really just disentangling harm.
Disentangling is the process of pulling harmful teachings out of our theology and holding onto what is true, good, and beautiful. It’s not the destruction of faith. It’s the refining of it. Or, as Scripture calls it—sanctification.
You are allowed to question. You are allowed to grow. And you are allowed to let go of teachings that don’t reflect the heart of God.
Faith After Spiritual Abuse
A healthy faith for trauma survivors recognizes that God is good, not controlling. That questioning is not backsliding. That Jesus doesn’t condemn you when you wrestle, He meets you in the wrestle.
Paul wrestled (Romans 7–8). Job wrestled. David, Habakkuk, and countless others brought their pain and confusion to God. So can you.
You Don’t Have to Lose Your Faith to Lose the Fear
Rebuilding faith after trauma isn’t easy. It can feel like decluttering a home—you’re not throwing everything out, but you are asking: Does this belong here? Is this actually from God?
You’re allowed to grieve what you thought was true.
You’re allowed to let go of beliefs that don’t line up with Scripture and were used to hurt you.
And most importantly—you’re allowed to find the ACTUAL God underneath it all.
Final Thoughts: Courage in the Unraveling
It takes enormous courage to untangle your faith from fear. But you’re not apostate, you’re asking honest, holy questions. And God isn’t mad. He’s not threatened. He’s ready to be known.
He doesn’t want you to know about Him.
He wants you to know Him.
Need Help on the Journey?
If this resonated and you’re looking for support, connect with a trauma-informed, faith-integrated therapist. We’re here to walk with you at The Journey and The Process.
