“Biblical Marriage” Is Failing Us: Sex, Power, and Partnership
What if the Christian marriage advice you’ve always heard - the books, sermons, the teaching on “biblical roles” - wasn’t just unhelpful, but actually harming your marriage?
That’s the data author Sheila Wray Gregoire found in her groundbreaking research.
On this episode of the Hey Tabi podcast, Sheila joined trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook to reveal the uncomfortable truths she uncovered after surveying over 32,000 Christians. Spoiler: the church's favorite messages about sex, submission, and “serving your husband” aren’t just outdated, they’re producing bad fruit.
The Wake-Up Call That Changed Everything
Sheila’s journey didn’t start in academia. It started as a “mommy blogger” who noticed her website traffic spiked every time she wrote about sex and marriage. But everything shifted in 2019 when she had some down time and cracked open a best-selling Christian marriage book and read this chilling line in the sex chapter:
“If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have. If he doesn’t get it, he’ll come under Satanic attack.”
There was no mention of emotional intimacy. No space for a woman’s pleasure. Just obligation. Transaction. Entitlement. Depersonalization. That moment launched Sheila’s mission: to gather real data on how these messages affect marriages.
What the Numbers Really Say
Gregoire, alongside her research team, developed surveys using validated psychometric tools to measure marital satisfaction, sexual fulfillment, and relational dynamics. The results were startling:
Marriages rooted in male authority and female submission consistently scored lower in emotional connection, sexual satisfaction, and long-term stability.
Shared decision-making and partnership models outperformed “headship” models across every measure of health.
Mental load was the most significant predictor of dissatisfaction. When wives carried 90% of the household responsibilities, their marital satisfaction dropped by 30 points—far more than any impact from financial stress or sexual frequency.
“Compromise” Isn’t the Fix. Mutuality Is
One of Gregoire’s key challenges to traditional teachings is the idea that couples just need to “meet each other’s needs.” That sounds fair, right?
But it only works if both people are starting from the same place.
In many evangelical households, wives are already in survival mode. They’re working, parenting, cleaning, managing everyone’s emotional state, while their husbands are encouraged to pursue “spiritual leadership” without ever being asked to carry the load.
That’s not compromise. That’s imbalance.
Getting everyone to the same place is how we move toward mutuality if that’s not the current starting point.
The Emotional Gap (and How It’s Ruining Intimacy)
One of the most profound findings in Sheila’s research is how emotional immaturity—particularly among men conditioned by church culture—damages intimacy.
Many Christian men are never taught how to feel, much less express their feelings. Instead, they’re told to be stoic, strong, and sexually available. So what happens? Sex becomes their only gateway to emotional connection. When it’s denied, their entire emotional framework collapses. (Note, that doesn’t excuse coercive control or sexual harm - this is an area they need to grow in.)
Gregoire argues that true Christ-like intimacy requires vulnerability, empathy, and emotional awareness. Sadly, these things often missing in male discipleship but critical to a healthy, mutual marriage.
What Jesus Actually Modeled
Contrary to what many marriage books teach, Jesus never used power to dominate. He washed feet. He listened to women. He wept openly. He laid down his life, not to enforce submission, but to model mutual, self-giving love.
If your marriage is built on fear, performance, or hierarchy, it's not reflecting Jesus. It’s reflecting a system built to preserve control, not cultivate intimacy.
Time to Rethink “Biblical Marriage”?
If evangelical teachings on marriage were truly biblical, they’d produce Christlike relationships. These relationshipss would be marked by love, safety, respect, and flourishing. In short, they’d produce good fruit.
But when the fruit is:
Burned-out wives
Entitled husbands
Poor sexual connection
Skyrocketing divorce after 20 years
…it’s time to ask: Was this ever really from God? And goodness, those things are not good fruit. Not at all! This should tell us something is very much broken.
Get the Marriage God Actually Designed
Start here:
Read The Great Sex Rescue and The Marriage You Want by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Listen to this week’s episode of Hey Tabi for the full conversation
Begin reimagining marriage as a partnership, not a power struggle (and this is possible in both complementarian and egalitarian theologies)
God didn’t create you to be your spouse’s sin manager or sacrifice your soul for "biblical roles." He created you for wholeness, connection, and love without fear.
If you’re realizing your marriage isn’t this at all and you need a reset and rethink, we can help at The Journey and The Process. Reach out today for a free, 15-minute discovery call to see how we can help you get the marriage you want!
Watch the whole episode of Hey Tabi below!
