The Hidden Danger in Couples Therapy: Recognizing Domestic Abuse and Coercive Control
Couples therapy is widely considered a safe, effective approach for resolving relationship conflicts and improving communication. However, there's a dangerous blind spot that too many therapists overlook: the prevalence of domestic abuse and coercive control in the couples seeking their help. According to experts, about one-third of all couples presenting for therapy are experiencing some form of domestic abuse or coercive control. This is a statistic that should alarm every mental health professional, pastor, and people helper.
When therapists miss the signs of abuse, they don't just fail to help, they can actively cause harm. Traditional couples therapy approaches assume both partners are on equal footing and equally responsible for the relationship problems. Both parties are willing to accept ownership. This assumption becomes dangerous in abusive relationships, where power dynamics are severely imbalanced. In these cases, couples therapy can inadvertently provide abusers with new psychological language and tools to further manipulate and control their partners. It can create situations where victims share vulnerabilities in session, only to have those disclosures weaponized against them at home. Even more concerning, the risk of violent retaliation after therapy sessions is extraordinarily high, especially if the victim has disclosed abuse during the session.
Understanding coercive control is essential for any therapist working with couples. Unlike isolated incidents of poor behavior that we all might occasionally exhibit, coercive control represents a pattern of power and control exercised by one partner over another. It systematically erodes the victim's autonomy, agency, and sense of self. Therapists must learn to recognize the subtle signs: a partner who seems "too perfect" in session while their spouse appears emotionally dysregulated; coded language like "I just have anxiety" or "they get stressed"; fear of disagreeing with a partner; or references to different rules for different partners in the home. Abusers are often, as Dr. Deborah Wingfield describes them, "cunning, conning, convincing, and charming". They are presenting their best selves in the counseling space while their victims may appear unstable or emotional.
The consequences of abuse extend far beyond the relationship itself, creating a genuine public health crisis. More than 54% of mass shootings began as domestic violence situations. Victims of ongoing abuse develop severe health complications, including autoimmune disorders and cardiac issues. Children raised in these environments suffer significant developmental and health impacts, as documented in the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study. As Tabitha Westbrook aptly notes, "all abuse is physical abuse" because the neurochemicals released under constant stress physically damage the body and brain. This understanding makes the proper identification and treatment of abuse not just an ethical imperative for therapists but a public health necessity.
So what should therapists do instead? The safer approach begins with individual assessment sessions. After an initial couples intake, schedule separate sessions with each partner to safely explore the relationship dynamics. Key assessment questions include: "Are you free to disagree with your partner? What happens when you do?", "Do you feel like there are two sets of rules in your home?", and "Do you feel pressured to do things you don't want to do?" Listen carefully for signs of fear, minimization, coded language, or spiritual manipulation. If abuse is identified, the ethical response is to discontinue couples work and refer each partner to appropriate individual therapy—abusers to specialists in working with perpetrators, and victims to trauma-informed therapists experienced in working with survivors.
The ethical mandate for therapists is clear: we must do no harm. When we fail to recognize abuse dynamics and proceed with couples therapy anyway, we violate this fundamental principle. Every therapist, pastor, and counselor working with couples needs specialized training in identifying coercive control and domestic abuse. Without this knowledge, we risk becoming unwitting accomplices to abuse, providing abusers with new tools for harm while keeping victims trapped in dangerous situations. The stakes couldn't be higher. This is literally a matter of life and death.
Are you a practitioner who needs to learn more about domestic abuse and coercive control? Get on our interest list for the Certified Coercive Control Recovery Therapist (licensed therapists) or Certified Coercive Control Recovery Specialist (biblical counselors).
