Christian Intimacy Decoded
When Christians ask what's allowed in the bedroom, they're often seeking clear rules - a simple yes or no checklist. But as I discuss in a recent episode of Hey Tabi, the answer requires something deeper than rules: it requires discernment, communication, and a proper understanding of intimacy itself.
The Church hasn't always provided helpful language around sexuality. Too often, teachings have created confusion or, worse, promoted licentiousness for one gender and oppressive “submission” for the other. This imbalance has led many sincere believers to struggle with knowing what truly honors God in their intimate relationships. With technology making sexual content more accessible than ever, from pornography to erotic fiction, Christians find themselves increasingly uncertain about where to place their feet.
For survivors of sexual abuse, the question becomes even more complex. How do you navigate physical intimacy when your body carries memories of violation? These survivors may experience unexpected shutdowns or triggers during intimate moments, not because something is wrong with them, but because their bodies are telling a story that needs to be heard and healed. This is why I strongly encourage a trauma-informed approach to sexuality, which may include professional support from therapists, story work coaches, or support groups.
The foundation of healthy physical intimacy isn't about specific acts but about relationship. Drawing from the Gottman's Sound Relationship House model, I emphasize that friendship forms the bedrock of any healthy relationship, with trust and commitment serving as the walls. Without this foundation, discussions about physical intimacy will likely falter. True intimacy means "into-me-you-see" - being fully known and accepted by your partner.
This perspective shifts our focus from "What acts are permissible?" to more meaningful questions:
Does this behavior cultivate intimacy or objectification?
Does it align with my values and faith?
Am I using this to connect with my partner or to avoid true intimacy?
How does my body feel afterward - shame or peace?
Is this helping me grow in love toward God, myself, and my partner?
Consent becomes paramount in this framework. As demonstrated in the British "Tea and Consent" video, physical intimacy should always involve clear, ongoing consent. This includes the freedom to withdraw consent at any point, even during an intimate act. While stopping may feel uncomfortable or disappointing, prioritizing your partner's wellbeing over your own gratification reflects Christ-like love rather than selfish desire.
Technology introduces additional considerations. Whether it's electronic communication during separation (like FaceTime intimacy) or the use of aids like vibrators, these aren't inherently problematic but require thorough discussion and mutual comfort. I caution that electronic communication is never guaranteed to be completely secure and something couples should consider when making these decisions.
For couples who've experienced sexual harm, approaches like sensate focus, which involves starting with non-sexual touch and gradually moving forward only as comfort allows, can be helpful in rebuilding safety and trust. The key is patience and attentiveness to each other's needs and boundaries.
God created relationship and physical intimacy as good. He designed us for community and intimate connection. Physical intimacy, when approached with care, communication, and mutual respect, can be beautiful and embodied. But it starts with friendship - alphabetically, F comes before I (intercourse)!
If you've never discussed these matters openly with your partner, or if you realize your approach hasn't honored them as an image-bearer of God, today is a perfect time to begin that journey. For women healing from sexual harm, my book Body & Soul, Healed & Whole offers guidance toward healthy sexuality after trauma, abuse, and coercive control.
Watch the full Hey Tabi episode here!
